Listen here, you miserable sack of bones, you think you can just wake up one day and call yourself a writer? Ha! Writing ain't no fancy tea party with your highfalutin friends. It's blood, sweat, and whiskey. It's staring at a blank page until your eyes bleed and your soul screams for mercy.
But here's the kicker, kid: you don't need a degree, a publisher, or even a goddamn pencil to be a writer. You just need to bleed onto the page. Every word you write is a piece of your guts, laid bare for the world to stomp on. And you know what? That's beautiful.
So, if you're serious about this writing gig, here's what you do:
1. Stop whining and start writing. Every day. Even if it's just a sentence. Hell, even if it's just a curse word.
2. Read. Read everything. From the back of cereal boxes to the greats like Hemingway and Faulkner. Steal their tricks, their rhythms, their souls.
3. Don't wait for inspiration. Inspiration is a fickle mistress. Write when you're hungover, when you're heartbroken, when you're so bored you could scream.
4. Forget about being perfect. Perfection is the enemy of the writer. Just get the damn words out.
5. And most importantly, don't let anyone tell you you're not a writer. You write? You're a writer. End of story.
So, grab a bottle, sit your ass down, and start bleeding. The world needs your words, even if it doesn't know it yet.